Dementia means losing someone slowly. The person you married is still here, but they may forget your name, repeat the same question, or get angry in ways they never did before. You are grieving someone who is sitting next to you at breakfast. And you are probably exhausted.
There is one sentence in John's account of Jesus's life that speaks to this kind of love.
Loved to the end
It was the night of the last supper, just before Jesus was arrested. He knew what was coming. He knew Judas, a disciple who was one of his twelve closest friends, would hand him over. He knew Peter would say he did not know him. He knew the rest would run away.
The Gospel of John says this about that night.
Now before the feast of the passover, when Jesus knew that his hour was come that he should depart out of this world unto the Father, having loved his own which were in the world, he loved them unto the end.
John 13:1 · King James VersionThe original Greek
Πρὸ δὲ τῆς ἑορτῆς τοῦ πάσχα εἰδὼς ὁ Ἰησοῦς ὅτι ἦλθεν αὐτοῦ ἡ ὥρα ἵνα μεταβῇ ἐκ τοῦ κόσμου τούτου πρὸς τὸν πατέρα ἀγαπήσας τοὺς ἰδίους τοὺς ἐν τῷ κόσμῳ εἰς τέλος ἠγάπησεν αὐτούς.
Found in Papyrus 66 (about AD 200), Papyrus 75 (about AD 200), Codex Vaticanus (about AD 325), Codex Sinaiticus (about AD 350).
Then Jesus got up, tied a towel around his waist, and washed their feet, one by one, the job of a servant.
He did not love them because they would remember everything he had done for them. He loved them to the end anyway.
Ways to cope and care
Get a diagnosis and a plan. A doctor can rule out other causes and help you plan ahead while your spouse can still share their wishes.
Make home safe and simple. Clear routines, labels on drawers, locks on medicines, and lights at night help.
Do not argue about what is real. If they are confused, gentle redirection works better than correcting.
Find respite care. Adult day programs, in-home helpers or family members can give you hours to rest. Use them without guilt.
Join a caregiver group. Talking to others in the same place helps. In the United States, the Alzheimer's Association helpline is 1-800-272-3900, day or night.
Keep moments of joy. Old songs, photos, holding hands and simple walks can still reach someone with dementia.
Take care of your own health. Caregivers often get sick themselves. Keep your own doctor visits.
You are not alone
Many of us will face this, or already are. It is one of the hardest kinds of love there is. If you feel guilty, tired or angry, you are human. Jesus washed the feet of people who would forget him by morning. You are doing something close to that every day, and God sees it.