If you or your friend are in danger right now, call 911. In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and open day and night: call 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
Abuse can be hitting, but it can also be threats, control over money, cutting someone off from friends, or making them feel worthless. Many people stay quiet for a long time because they are afraid, ashamed, or told it is their fault. Some have been told, even at church, that they should simply forgive and stay. Many of us have missed the signs in someone we love.
There is a story about a frightened woman Jesus refused to shame.
The woman in the crowd
A woman had been bleeding for twelve years. Under the rules of the time, that left her unclean, cut off from touching others or joining in worship. She had spent all her money on doctors and only got worse.
She pushed through a crowd and touched the edge of Jesus's clothes, hoping no one would notice. She was healed at once. But Jesus stopped and asked who had touched him.
Trembling and afraid, she fell at his feet and told him the whole truth. The Gospel of Mark, one of the four accounts of Jesus's life, tells us how he answered her.
And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague.
Mark 5:34 · King James VersionThe original Greek
ὁ δὲ εἶπεν αὐτῇ· Θυγάτηρ, ἡ πίστις σου σέσωκέν σε· ὕπαγε εἰς εἰρήνην, καὶ ἴσθι ὑγιὴς ἀπὸ τῆς μάστιγός σου.
Found in Codex Vaticanus (about AD 325), Codex Sinaiticus (about AD 350).
He did not scold her. He called her daughter, in front of everyone. He told her to go in peace.
Your friend deserves to be treated like that: believed, honored and free to go in peace.
Ways to help
Believe them. Say, "I believe you. It is not your fault." Many people are not believed the first time they tell.
Listen without judging. Do not demand that they leave right now, and do not criticize the abuser angrily. Pressure can push them away from you.
Never tell them to stay and forgive. Forgiveness never requires someone to stay in danger.
Help with safety. Experts at the hotline can help make a safety plan, like a packed bag, important papers, and a place to go.
Be careful with phones and computers. Abusers sometimes watch messages and search history. Let your friend choose how to contact you.
Offer practical help. A place to stay, a ride, help with children or pets, or keeping copies of documents.
Keep showing up. Leaving can take time and several tries. Stay their friend through all of it.
Take care of yourself. This is hard to carry. Talk to someone too, without sharing your friend's private details.
Go in peace
Jesus did not let a frightened woman slip away in shame. He stopped, listened, and gave her back her dignity. You can do the same for your friend, and help them find a way to live in peace and safety.